Healthy Assertiveness is a gift, but high and healthy are not the same thing. To be healthy, high assertiveness must be balanced by other dimensions of emotional intelligence. Without balance, you might get a lot done, but you will leave carnage in your wake.
Assertiveness, along with Emotional Expression and Independence, is part of the Self-Expression Composite in the EQ-i 2.0™ model of emotional intelligence.
What is Assertiveness?
Multi-Health Systems (MHS), publisher of the EQ-i 2.0 emotional intelligence assessment, offers the following definition:
Assertiveness is communicating thoughts and beliefs openly, as well as defending personal rights and values in a non-offensive and non-destructive manner.
That last part is obviously critical. Being assertive and being aggressive both involve defending your personal rights and values. The key difference is that assertiveness does this in a way that also respects the rights and values of others, while aggression defends personal rights by violating the rights of others.
High Assertiveness involves clarity of personal goals and boundaries, expressed in words and actions that occur to others as confidence, self-assurance, and directness.
Those with low Assertiveness can find it very difficult to speak up for themselves. They may not be clear where they stand, and even if they are, they choose not to state and defend their position. Others will be unclear about what you are thinking and feeling, and will experience you as excessively shy, wishy-washy, or uncommitted.
Those with well-developed Assertiveness know where they stand on issues that are important to them, and they set and maintain clear personal boundaries with calm confidence.
Two things you can do to improve Assertiveness right now:
- Pack your words before you go. When emotions are running high, it can be hard to find the words you need, which makes it easy to stay silent. Write down a few phrases that feel authentic to you: “I hear you, but I see it differently…,” “I’m not sure I agree; I’d like some time to think about that…”
- Choose the center, not the margins. Physically place yourself in the center of the conversation.
Too much of a good thing:
We all know people whose high Assertiveness is unchecked by other emotional skills. Unbalanced Assertiveness can easily cross the line into aggressive and dominating behavior.
Assertiveness is a valuable skill, not to be wasted, so the answer is not to suppress it, trying to bite your tongue when you want to speak up, but rather to do more of those behaviors that create balance. These include focusing more attention on EI dimensions like Impulse Control, Empathy, and Flexibility.
Healthy assertiveness is an essential element of overall emotional intelligence. We hope this helps you avoid being a steamroller if you have it, and avoid getting steamrolled if you don’t!
Until next time, thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more on emotional intelligence. In our next installment in this series on EQ we will be working with Independence, the final dimension of the Self-Expression composite. Until then, you can subscribe to our newsletter via email to make sure you don’t miss future articles like this one, and you can click here if you are interested in taking the EQ–i 2.0 assessment.
Read More Articles in the “Emotional Intelligence” Series
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Can You Define Emotion?
In our everyday lives, we should understand our emotions as complex responses, experienced both cognitively and physiologically, that are an integral part of the overall process by which we make sense of and interact with the world and others around us.
The EQ-i 2.0® Model of Emotional Intelligence
Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence is a set of skills that can be developed with practice. Some may come more naturally than others, but with awareness and effort, we can develop our weaker areas, and in doing so gain even more from our strengths.
Overcome Self-Doubt: How to Build Self-Regard
When we have healthy levels of Self-Regard we experience a sense of inner strength and self-confidence. When we struggle with Self-Regard, we can be simultaneously over-critical of our weaknesses while also unable to leverage and enjoy our strengths.
Bored, Uninspired, and Stuck: Searching for Self-Actualization
When we struggle with Self-Actualization, we can be unable or unwilling to work toward personal goals or improve our own performance. We might neglect our intellectual and emotional skills, feeling bored and uninspired.
Feeling Misunderstood? Developing Emotional Self-Awareness Could Help.
A person who lacks Emotional Self-Awareness can struggle to differentiate between their feelings and their logical sources, often because they avoid introspection and reflection. They might frequently find themselves surprised by the reactions and emotional states of others, while often feeling misunderstood themselves.
How To Be Misunderstood And Have Others Assume The Worst
Outside of a card game, a poker face is a recipe for being misunderstood. When others cannot gauge what you are thinking and feeling, they make up stories to fill in the gaps, and the results are rarely helpful.
How To Be Assertive Without Being A Steamroller
Healthy Assertiveness is a gift, but high and healthy are not the same thing. To be healthy, high assertiveness must be balanced by other dimensions of emotional intelligence.
Independence Without Isolation
Without our relationships to others, we would not be who we are. Learning to navigate the winding path between connectedness and independence is key to our happiness and relationships.
