Clash Course: Navigating Workplace Conflict, Part 1/3
To bash together.
That is the literal meaning of the word “conflict,” from the Latin com- or con-, for “with or together” and fligere, meaning “to strike / bash.”
What gets bashed together can be our physical bodies—the original sense of the word—but in the workplace it’s more often ideas, opinions, and words that collide.
At least we hope that’s the extent of it.
Regardless of the form conflict takes, most of us don’t like it very much. That said, if we dig even a few inches below that surface discomfort, we find that we actually all experience it a little differently.
Given our different personalities and experiences, we dislike conflict for different reasons.
So, to begin to understand these differences in how we experience conflict and how we can handle it better, let’s start by defining what it is.
Since we’re not talking about bashing each other with blunt objects (I hope), what is this interpersonal conflict that we dread?
Conflict is simply a difference of opinions involving strong negative emotions.
It’s that “strong negative emotions” part we don’t like.
No one wants to feel really intensely angry or frustrated or tense, so maybe we can just figure out how to not have conflict in the first place…
Good News, Bad News
Bad news first: Conflict is inevitable.
It is simply impossible for two or more human beings to live or work together for any meaningful length of time without running into a difference of opinion that elicits strong emotions, i.e., conflict.
More bad news: Unresolved conflict can destroy relationships, teams, and entire organizations. We've seen it happen.
Unresolved conflict becomes a bloodless form of trench warfare. Each side is dug-in along the lines of their strongly held opinions, occasionally firing shots at the enemy but mostly just trying to avoid contact.
No one takes ground. Everyone suffers.
The good news: Conflict is necessary, and it can be productive.
When handled well, conflict can result in better solutions, often giving birth to options that are superior to either sides’ original viewpoints.
It is this type of productive conflict that William Wrigley Jr., of Juicy Fruit and Cubs stadium fame, was actively seeking when he said...
“When two men always agree, one of them is unnecessary.”
Groups that figure out how to do conflict well gain a significant advantage.
Because most groups don’t.
Disagreement Is Not the Problem
When the inevitable difference of opinion arises on an emotionally charged topic, it typically isn’t the core disagreement that causes things to go sideways. That doesn’t happen until one or both parties respond in a destructive manner.
It is destructive responses that make conflict painful.
Imagine that you and your coworker are deciding which accounting firm to engage. You have had great experience with Firm A. Your coworker is excited about working with the people at Firm B.
It’s a tough call, and you both feel strongly about your views, but that’s fine. Companies have to make hard decisions, and you get that.
You and your coworker are having a healthy debate that you believe will yield a good decision, even if you don’t get your way. There is conflict, but it is productive. So far.
But then your coworker abruptly snaps his laptop shut and says, “Fine. We’ll go with A. I’m sure it will work out great.”
Uh Oh...
Everyone knows not to take a statement like that at face value.
A little more etymology (because I can't help myself): Sarcasm is from the Greek sarkazein, “to tear flesh.”
A lovely image, right? Whether literal or metaphorical, it doesn’t feel good. The real message of sarcasm is in its bite.
It was not the underlying difference in opinion, Firm A vs. Firm B, that was problematic. It was the destructive response that sent things down an ugly path.
A Smorgasbord of Snark
Sarcasm is but one selection on a nearly unlimited menu of destructive responses. Maybe sarcasm doesn’t push your buttons, but there are so many other cortisol-elevating selections to choose from!
Check out the list of destructive responses below. Which ones really sting? Are there two or three that reliably make your blood boil? What are they?
- Avoidance / Withdrawal: Disengaging and hoping the conflict will magically disappear.
- Passive-Aggression: Sarcasm, intentional misunderstanding, indirect retaliation.
- Personal Attacks: Shifting focus to attack character or competence.
- Defensiveness: Denying, counter-attacking, or refusing responsibility.
- Withholding: Keeping crucial details to yourself.
- Gossiping: Discussing the conflict behind others' backs.
- Overpowering / Bullying: Aggressively asserting dominance, including via a fusillade of facts, data, and logic. Getting loud. Puffing up.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage.
- Retaliation: Seeking revenge or "evening the score."
- Overreacting: Blowing minor disagreements out of proportion.
- Undermining: Discrediting others' authority or dismissing their views.
- Belittling: Using demeaning comments to dominate conversations.
- Exclusion: Intentionally leaving people out as punishment.
- Caving: Giving in too quickly.
Did you find a couple that really get under your skin? The ones that leave you stressed out and upset when you’re trying to go to sleep hours or days later?
If not, feel free to add your own variants. This list is by no means exhaustive.
It is responses like these that make us cringe at the idea of conflict, precisely because they elicit strong negative emotions. Which emotions depends on the person.
Different personalities might respond to the same destructive response with anger, guilt, shame, indignation, fear, humiliation, disgust, contempt, or anything in between.
None of them feel good. Perhaps you are even creating a mental list of people who made you feel this way in past conflicts. Those memories tend to last.
Mirror, Mirror…
Now, here’s the harder question, the one that requires a mirror:
Which of these behaviors do you tend to do to others?
This question makes me squirm, because nothing on that list is particularly flattering. I’d rather pretend I’m not guilty of any of them.
But I am. We all are. And it’s important that we admit it.
While few of us are guilty of all of them, all of us are guilty of some of them.
Becoming aware of when and how we respond to conflict in a destructive manner is important because our own response is the only side of the conflict we can control.
Understanding and managing our own responses to conflict is our only option for having it go better. Step one in that process is simply noticing.
Just start noticing.
And if you want to take it up a notch, tools like the Productive Conflict Profile can help by using your DiSC® personality style to identify the type of destructive response you are most likely to choose, and more importantly, why.
The “why” is our topic for next time.
Until then,
Greg
