It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.

That’s Viktor Frankl, from Man’s Search for Meaning.

I think of this quote often, because I catch myself struggling with the more common inverted query, “what do I want in life?” It turns out that is actually a pretty hard question to answer, and I find this reframe quite helpful.

Universal Desires

Of course, we all want to be happy, healthy, safe, and secure. We might have a bucket list of experiences we’d like to have or places we’d like to go. We all want a sense of meaning and purpose.

But often the question we’re really asking—and the one that has a far bigger impact on our actual life experience— is more concrete:

What should I actually do?

Of all the infinite number of things I could choose, what specific actions should I prioritize, right now?

Working with abstractions like, “be happy”, is just not very actionable.

“What do I want?” is hard because we’re actually not very good at predicting what will make us happy or have us feel purposeful and fulfilled. But when you turn the question around, as Viktor Frankl did, things can become more clear.

He went on to say…

We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

When I feel stuck, I remind myself to give up trying to figure out what I want. Instead, I try to ask myself, what does life want from me? Right now.

(I try. I am not always successful).

Aligning with Reality

I think this works because in reality—like it or not—we are all part of a bigger system.

Despite our individualistic Western culture, we are not independent entities. We are part of families, communities, teams, and organizations. We exist inside a complex network of relationships, in an ecosystem of many interdependent parts.

That’s just reality, and when we align ourselves with reality, things tend to get easier.

So, what does this complex system called life, of which you are an integral part, want from you?

Context Matters

Even that can feel overly broad. Life is not monolithic. We move fluidly between different roles, different identities. It's not just one system we inhabit, but a system of systems, so let’s make this more concrete by adding context.

Perhaps you’re trying to gain some clarity about work. Perhaps you are in the often ambiguous world of leadership, and you are trying to figure out how to be most effective. You’re trying to figure out what you should do with your precious, limited time.

Instead of asking what you want from this job, ask instead what the job wants from you.

Like all the other areas of life, your job is part of a larger system, from which it cannot really be separated. So start by defining the other parts of that system.

More Seats at the Table

At work, it is often useful to think in terms of stakeholders. Who has a vested interest in what you do? Who is served by your work?

To bring those other perspectives forward, imagine the other stakeholders you serve sitting around the table with you. Who are they? And what do they need from you? Visualize them. What would they say?

You will need to find your own answers, and they should be as specific to your actual job as possible, but I'll offer some examples to get you started:

Your boss... 

...needs to be able to depend on you to do your work. They need you to solve problems, make them aware of risks and opportunities, and communicate with them clearly and effectively. They need to be able to count on you. They need you to make them look good.

Your teammates...

...need you to play your role and play it well. They need your skills and expertise. They need you to step up when they’re struggling. They need to know that you’ve got their back, and that they can trust you.

Your direct reports...

...need clarity about expectations, feedback that helps them grow, recognition for their contributions, and advocacy for their needs and development. They need you to create the same opportunities for autonomy, mastery, and purpose that you want for yourself.

Your customers...

...need you to make their lives easier, not harder. They need you to understand their real problems (not just what they say they want), to deliver value consistently, and to make them successful. They need you to anticipate their needs and be responsive when issues arise.

Your suppliers...

...need clear requirements, reasonable timelines, fair compensation, and to be treated as partners rather than commodities. They need you to understand their constraints and communicate changes as early as possible.

The community in which you operate...

...needs you to be a responsible corporate citizen. They need you to play your part in creating a thriving company that offers good jobs and financial resources.

The company’s CEO and owners...

...need you to align and participate in what they are trying to build. They need you to engage. They need you to work with them, not against them.

Your family...

...needs your presence (not just physically but emotionally), your financial contribution, and your ability to switch contexts and leave work stress at work. They need you to save enough energy to be fully engaged at home and to model balance and purpose.

Competing Demands

At first glance, reconciling the needs of all those different elements of the system that is your life can seem like a non-overlapping Venn diagram. But if we look closely there is almost always a common thread.

Again, Viktor Frankl’s hard-earned wisdom offers a clue: what all those stakeholders want from you, what work wants from you, what your friends and family want from you, what life wants from you, is ultimately for you to take responsibility for finding the right answer to its problems, and to fulfill the tasks it has set for you.

For me, the key words in this idea are “take responsibility.”

I cannot always find the right answer. I cannot always fulfill the tasks life hands me. But I can always take responsibility for trying, for learning, and for growing.

Sometimes (okay, often) that little voice in my head objects: "Don't I have a right to expect the same from them?!" Sure, but that just leads me back to another of life's immutable realities. What they do isn't within my control. What I do is.

And when I step back to consider the broader system of which I am a part, and take responsibility for answering that all-important question, what does life want from me, I begin to understand Viktor Frankl's real message:

Finding meaning and purpose is not the key to fulfilling life's demands. It will not be found through "talk and meditation" because it's the other way around.

Real meaning and purpose emerge when we ask what life needs from us, and then rise to met its challenge.

Until next time,
Greg