Vulnerability-Based Trust
I think the world would be a better place if a lot more people got comfortable with a simple, three-word phrase:
I don’t know.
For any given question...
What’s the right answer to <insert divisive, hot-button, emotionally-charged, hyper-politicized issue here>?
What if, instead of demonizing the other team, this was the response?
I don’t know. That’s a complex problem and reasonable, well-intentioned people can see it differently. Let’s find common ground and try some things.
Wouldn’t that be refreshing, not to mention a lot more effective?
Not Knowing Is Dangerous
Obviously we don’t hear my radically open and probably idealistic response very often these days, and the frequency with which people utter those three simple words seems inversely proportional to their position on the leadership food chain.
For the majority of our most important problems—the messy, ambiguous, hard, real-world ones—”I don’t know” is the only intellectually honest answer. Yet we struggle mightily to say it.
Why is that?
Hold that thought. We’ll come back to it. I promise.
A Pyramid of Dysfunction
Way back in 2002, consultant/author/speaker Patrick Lencioni wrote a book called The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.
It’s written as a fable, and the prose is not exactly Hemingway, but he makes a convincing case.
Lencioni argues that teams become dysfunctional and fail because they…
- Avoid Conflict, settling for destructive assent versus constructive dissent,
- Lack Commitment, moving forward with ambiguity and no real buy-in because the hard issues never get settled,
- Avoidance of Accountability that results from a lowering of standards and unwillingness to call out lackluster performance because nothing was really clear to begin with, and
- Become inattentive to Results, focusing instead on personal outcomes and losing sight of what the team was really supposed to accomplish.
The attentive reader will note that this list includes only four, not five, dysfunctions (also, I numbered them for you).
The fifth dysfunction is really the first. It sets the stage for all the rest.
The base of this pyramid of dysfunction is absence of Trust.
Doing the Opposite
When we teach this model, we turn it around and talk not about dysfunctions, but of The Five Behaviors of a High-Performing Team.
What do high-performing teams do instead?
High-performing teams operate on a foundation of Trust.
This allows them to engage in constructive Conflict, through which they reach real decisions on hard issues, establishing Commitment.
Because the entire team is committed to the direction, they set high standards for Accountability, and remain focused on team Results over personal success and protecting individual egos.
Without Trust, all the other behaviors are impossible. Without Trust, the whole structure collapses.
Enabling “I Don’t Know”
It is this same Trust that enables team members to safely use that crucial phrase, “I don’t know.”
But wait, I trust my teammates, you might be thinking...
Here, Lencioni is careful to make a distinction. He’s not talking about predictive trust—the “I trust you not to steal my lunch from the refrigerator” kind.
He’s talking about the harder variety, vulnerability-based trust.
That’s the kind of trust that allows people to say “I don’t know,” and many other under-utilized phrases like:
- I made a mistake.
- I didn’t get that done on time.
- I need help.
- I was wrong.
- I’m sorry.
All of those phrases make us vulnerable, and no rational person is going to take that risk with people they don’t trust.
Most of us learned that lesson the hard way.
Vulnerability-Based Trust
So, how do we create this magical, performance-enabling, vulnerability-based trust?
First, remember my earlier observation about the frequency of “I don’t know” being inversely related to one’s leadership status?
Right. If you’re in a leadership role, don’t do that.
What should you do instead?
Well, here at Retexo, we have a very simple definition of leadership: to lead is to go first.
To create trust in an organization, leaders must model vulnerability. They must be willing to say “I don’t know”—and all those other under-utilized phrases above—openly and authentically.
Doing this well requires nuance grounded in high emotional intelligence. We don’t want TMI, nor do we want to convey helplessness that feeds fear.
“I don’t know” needs to be balanced by an underlying “but I know we can figure it out.”
“I made a mistake” must be accompanied by “and here’s what I learned so I can avoid it next time.”
It requires taking some risks, but if leaders will not be vulnerable, no one will.
Start Small
We have facilitated a lot of leadership peer groups. On many occasions, our members have divulged incredibly vulnerable details about their lives and work, sometimes things they have shared with no other person, not even their spouse.
That level of trust does not happen overnight.
It can require years, and once established it is sacred. Creating a space where leaders can safely be that vulnerable is our highest honor and our greatest responsibility.
To get there, you have to start small. Dipping your toes in the deep, dark water of vulnerability can be as simple as sharing your favorite hobby or what you did with your friends or family over the weekend.
Starting small is one reason we use tools like DiSC®. A personality assessment opens the door to self-disclosure in a positive, low-risk way.
Tools like DiSC make our unique traits objective and allow people like me to say “I’m so introverted that I won’t order pizza if it can’t be done online.”
It seems silly, but that’s vulnerable. People could (and do) make fun of me for that.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, other styles can safely say, “Remote work during Covid was awful for me. I’m such an extrovert that not being able to be with people every day was really hard.”
Misunderstanding and Misattribution
Creating opportunities to talk about ourselves this way accomplishes something else, too. It starts to defuse misunderstandings and misattributions.
“He doesn’t talk to me because he doesn’t like me,” becomes “He’s just an introvert who doesn’t use a lot of words.”
Or, “She’s making us come back to the office because she doesn’t trust us to work remotely,” can become “She wants us to come back to the office because remote work is really hard on a lot of people, even if I’m not one of them.”
People can feel you judging and blaming them. Reframing their behavior in a more positive (and usually more accurate) light makes it far easier for them to trust you.
Repetition Over Time
Like most anything that matters, building real, vulnerability-based trust requires consistent practice.
Ugh, that’s so BORING! Can’t we just have an easy, quick fix and move on?
Nope. I know it’s not an exciting answer, but it’s the truth.
Trust is built in organizations through countless interactions over time. You have to work at it, and the leader’s role remains crucial.
Leaders must:
- Model vulnerability first and often.
- Create opportunities to start small.
- Notice and celebrate when others take interpersonal risks. It doesn’t need to be a party—that’s weird. Just a subtle, “hey, I really appreciate you saying that," goes a long way.
- Intervene immediately and firmly when politics, blame, gossip, concealing issues, or other violations of trust emerge (and they will).
- Make trust part of every agenda until it is ingrained in your culture as the only way to operate.
As they say, trust is gained in drips and lost in buckets. If a team member admits an honest mistake and you respond with public shaming or negative consequences, it will be the last time that team member is vulnerable.
Build a Foundation
The world needs more “I don’t know,” immediately followed by “but let’s figure it out together.”
It’s the only way we can have constructive Conflict, make real Commitments, create healthy Accountability, and achieve better Results, and none of it can happen without authentic, vulnerability-based Trust.
And although I might occasionally sound idealistic, in truth I am pragmatic and a realist.
I am well aware that it is very unlikely that our political leaders are going to start admitting mistakes, acknowledging their limitations, or trusting each other any time soon.
There’s not much you or I can do about that, but that’s okay, because in reality, all big, sweeping, societal changes are built of individual actions.
Groups don’t act. People do.
So if you want the world to be different, be different.
Take a risk. Say “I don’t know.” Admit you were wrong. Say you were sorry. Ask for help.
Be a leader. Trust someone. Go first.
Next week, we talk Conflict. Until then,
Greg
